


Shitpost Prompts for an Uncertain World

by houselesbian



Category: Promare (2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe, But it doesn't happen, Laser Tag, Mention of human sacrifice, Shitpost prompts, Shrek AU, god AU, hot peppers, imbedded art!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23222425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houselesbian/pseuds/houselesbian
Summary: Shitpost prompts and flashfic responses.First up: Shrek AUSecond: Remi annihilates everyone at laser tag and Buring Rescue has a hot pepper eating contest.Third: Fire God AU, based on the work ofEasy_yaseFourth: Burning Rescue all decide to get tattoos and discover that Galo already has one.
Comments: 31
Kudos: 79





	1. Shrek AU

**Author's Note:**

> CW for Kray. Also skeletons.

The dragon’s castle sprawled across its island. From the mountain above it seemed that the interior walls formed a labyrinth that twisted in loops and curlicues. Black spires jutted from the ground in a scattered array, not all of them upright or intact. A blinding bolt of lightning struck the metal spikes that skirted the battlements, followed by a crack of thunder that shook Gonkey’s bones.

In the centre of the castle was the tallest tower, the one that surely held the princess. 

“What a cool looking castle,” Gonkey said, because he was an optimist. 

“For the love of God,” Krek muttered, in reply. 

The castle had an entire room full of treasure! Mountains of gold glittered in the candlelight, brightly coloured gems adding pops of colour here and there. In one corner there was a collection of bronze and marble statues. In another, a pile of blackened sticks. 

“Alright Gonkey, I need you to stay right here,” Krek said. 

“On this pile of gold under this conspicuous spotlight?” Gonkey asked.

“Absolutely,” Krek replied. 

Gonkey sat on his borrowed pile of treasure, humming happily to himself as he used a small collection of gems to form a smiling face. He felt a brush of hot air over his shoulder, but decided that whoever it was could wait a while. He was in the zone. 

“Are you using the onyx stones to create a chiaroscuro effect?” asked a deep voice.

“I’m really into playing with contrast right now,” Gonkey replied. 

“It’s lovely.”

“Thank you!”

“You do realise that the green guy left you here to die, right?”

Gonkey turned and found himself face to face with a very long, very pink dragon. It raised its brow at him. 

“Well?” The dragon asked. 

“Nuh huh,” he said. 

Krek was Gonkey’s best friend! He’d never leave Gonkey behind. 

The dragon sighed, with another puff of hot breath that singed Gonkey’s eyebrows. 

“You are too stupid to live,” the dragon said, “and I am too petty to let you die.”

“What does petty mean?” Gonkey asked, for he was a creature that had never had any use of such a word and had surely never applied the concept to himself. 

“Alright,” the dragon said. “You see this treasure?”

The dragon swept out a paw that was tipped with some very long, very sharp claws. 

“Yes,” Gonkey replied. 

“It’s my treasure,” the dragon said, voice patient. 

“Ohhh, sorry, do you want me to put my smiley face back?”

“No, that can stay,” the dragon said quickly. 

“Thank you!”

The dragon closed its eyes and took in a deep breath, just like Krek often did. Gonkey took the opportunity to push a few more sapphires into the onyx he was using to create shadow. It added some depth. 

“What’s your name?” the dragon asked. 

“I’m Gonkey, what’s your name?”

“Lio Fotia.”

“Huh, that’s not a very dragony name,” Gonkey said. 

“And yet,” Lio said. “Gonkey, dragons are typically very possessive of their treasure. We kill people who try to steal it.”

Lio pointed to the pile of black sticks in the corner. Gonkey frowned. He looked back up at Lio for clarification. 

“I don’t get it,” he said. 

“Those are skeletons.”

“Oh!”

“They weren’t always skeletons.”

“Well, duh, nothing starts out as a skeleton,” Gonkey replied, with a roll of his eyes. 

Lio now had his paw over his eyes, also like Krek. They had a lot in common. Gonkey was sure they’d get along. 

“For the love of god,” Lio whispered. 

Like a house on fire. Ha, fire. Dragon. Gonkey was so funny. 

“Why are you even here?” Lio asked.

“We’re here to save the princess,” Gonkey replied. 

Lio finally dropped his paw from his face. His black and yellow eyes shone bright against the neon pink of his scales. Gonkey could see highlights of orange and blue as Lio moved. He was very pretty. 

“That’s not going to happen, because Thyma is very happy here,” Lio said. 

“Ohhh, well that’s no good, we better let her stay then,” Gonkey said. 

In the distance, Gonkey heard screaming that was slowly getting louder. 

“I’m going to check that out!” Gonkey said, carefully walking around his artwork. 

Lio held him back gently with the blunt side of a claw. Gonkey’s hooves scraped across the stone floor with a harsh sound. 

“No, you stay here,” Lio said. “I have to go make another skeleton.”


	2. Laser tag and Peppers

**Remi annihilates everyone at laser tag**

“The thing that gets me,” Varys said. “Is that he took us out too.”

“I’ve never felt so  _ betrayed _ ,” Galo added. 

“That says a lot,” Lucia replied. 

Burning Rescue and the Police Department had a longstanding tradition of competing through laser tag. It was the sort of thing that would have created more conflict, were it not for Remi. 

Remi, who was currently receiving his medal for singularly winning the annual laser tag competition between BR3 and the PPD by taking out absolutely everyone on both teams. Remi understood team work, he just didn’t seem to understand team  _ sports _ . The detectives of the PPD were currently watching him with a combination of envy and abject fear.

“So,” the tag manager said, as they held up a small plastic trophy. “Um, what advice do you have for your competitors… which seems to be everyone?”

“Git gud,” Remi replied. 

“Can we just go bowling next time?” the Chief of Police asked. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Hot pepper eating contest**

Lio took a bite of jalapeno and immediately said, “I’m not doing this.”

“Why  _ are _ we doing this?” Aina asked. 

“I seem to recall some very competitive smack talk the last time we went out for drinks,” Remi replied. 

Galo was happily chewing on a habanero with a little smile on his face. He swallowed it and gave his tummy a pat. 

“That was nice,” he said. "It mada my mouth feel cosy."

Beside him, Gueira was swallowing small chunks of pepper whole with a determined expression on his pale face. Beside him was a half-drunk glass of milk. 

“This is definitely going to end well,” Varys said, bleakly. 

“You know you don’t have to,” Meis said. 

Lucia held up a single, skinny cayenne pepper. She smiled at it with relish and pointy teeth. 

“I’ve got this,” she said. 

She did not. 

Aina left the competition to comfort Lucia while she writhed miserably on the floor. Her kicking had shifted her skirt up so her brightly-coloured leggings were on display. They said ‘Juicey’ across the seat, because Lucia only bought knock-offs. 

“I want my mummy!” Lucia cried, as Aina tried and failed to get her sat up enough to drink some of Gueira’s milk. 

Beside her, Gueira lay silently on the floor, in the foetal position. He had been defeated by a fat little fatalii pepper, which had looked much more kind than it had turned out to be. 

  
  


All of Burning Rescue watched as Ignis and Galo faced up against a ghost pepper. Galo was pink-cheeked and smiling as always. Ignis was expressionless, but his entire body was red and his face was slick with sweat. 

“Thank you for the meal!” Galo cried, as he picked up an ugly, lumpy pepper and put it into his mouth whole. 

Ignis silently picked up a second one and stoically took a bite. His face shifted from vermillion to chartreuse. 

“Please excuse me,” he said, as he stood from his seat and calmly walked toward the bathroom. 

Galo finished his bite and swallowed. His eyes scrunched up in thought, for a moment. 

“Fruity, sweet, with a surprisingly thin skin. Creates a pleasant warmth that grows stronger over time,” Galo nodded, “an excellent pepper.”

The squad watched him silently, as he picked up another pepper and began to eat it. 

“Galo wins the competition,” Remi announced. 

“What did he win?” Aina asked. 

“Competing is it’s own reward,” Galo replied, sagely. “But I would like to take the rest of the chillis home, please.”


	3. Fire God AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This au is based on the work of [Easy_yase](https://twitter.com/Easy_yase/status/1218746120517693440). It's gorgeous and you should check it out!

[Fire God AU](https://twitter.com/Easy_yase/status/1218746120517693440)

The Gods had their favourites. 

"You are so lucky," Meis said, his sword pointed at Galo's throat. 

"I don't feel lucky!" Galo replied. 

"The Fire God doesn't choose just anyone, you know?" Gueira added conversationally. 

"Very particular."

"We're lucky to be his acolytes!"

"Blessed even."

Meis and Gueira had met Galo that morning in the marketplace. Galo had a lovely conversation with them about pears and theology, and the whims of higher powers. And then they’d kidnapped him.

Galo frowned. 

"I can't die today," Galo said. "I have work."

"Seriously, you won't regret this," Meis said. 

"Literally," Gueira replied. 

"It's a once in a lifetime event!" Meis cried. 

"Also literally," Gueira replied.

Galo huffed at them both. This was the problem with religious fanatics. They had no sense of perspective. 

"Don't you get it?" Galo asked. "I haven't gotten anyone to cover my shift."

“What do you do for a living again?” Meis asked. 

“I’m a firefighter,” Galo replied. 

“Now that’s ironic,” Gueira said, with a little laugh. 

“Understaffing is a huge issue in the public sector,” Galo cried. “Nobody thinks it’s important until it’s their house on fire.”

Meis stopped abruptly. Gueira tugged on the back of Galo's tunic, so he didn't cut himself on Meis' blade. They stood quietly for a moment, on the empty backstreet they had been using to get to the Fire Temple. In the distance the bells rang for midday. Galo was officially late.

"Eh, they'll be fine," Meis said. 

"Yeah, don't worry about it," Gueira replied. "These things happen."

  
  


Aina stood anxiously by the door at the hall of firefighters. The midday bell had rung half a turn ago and Galo still hadn’t arrived for his shift. She tapped her foot against the tiled floor thoughtfully. Behind her, Lucia fiddled with a miniature trebuchet. 

“I’m worried,” she said. “Galo’s never late for his shifts.”

“Maybe Zeus came down from Mount Olympus in the form of a bird and seduced him,” Lucia suggested. 

“I don’t think so, he’s bad at knowing when people are hitting on him,” Aina replied. 

“Carried off by harpies?”

“Possibly…” Aina did not sound convinced.

“It is human sacrifice season,” Remi said thoughtfully. 

Lucia clicked her fingers. 

“That’s totally it,” she replied.


	4. Burning Rescue gets tattoos

Burning Rescue arrived at the tattoo parlor en masse, both as an expression of mutual support and to ensure that Remi didn’t wuss out. Aina presented their chosen tattoo design, to the man at the front desk. He looked at the design, a tasteful little logo drawn up by Lucia, before turning his attention to Burning Rescue.  
“Did you guys want a group rate or something?” he said.  
“We can do that?” Galo asked.  
The man sighed, “probably.”  
“Your sign said you accepted walk-ins,” Aina said. “Should we have made an appointment?”  
“Yes, we definitely should have made an appointment,” Remi said, cold sweat visible on his face.  
“Nah, you got lucky, it’s quiet today and this isn’t complex.”  
“Fuck,” Remi whispered.  
Varys patted Remi’s head gently. Remi wilted into Varys’ plentiful chest.  
“Okay folks,” the receptionist said. “Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a tattoo before.”  
Ignis and Galo raised their hands. Everyone turned their heads towards Galo. Galo blinked at them.  
“Uh, hell you do,” Lucia said.  
“But I do though,” Galo replied.  
“We change in the same room and I have never seen a tattoo on you,” Remi said.  
“That’s just because you follow the bro code and don’t look anywhere near my penis,” Galo replied.  
“Don’t talk about your penis in front of the receptionist!” Aina hissed.  
“I don’t care, I tattoo penises all the time,” the receptionist replied.  
“Oh god,” Remi said, wavering on his feet.  
“It’s not like it’s on my penis,” Galo said. “They don’t do that for first tattoos.”  
“That’s true,” the receptionist replied.  
“Why don’t we discuss this later,” Ignis said. “We can do what we came here to do and harass Galo after we get home.”  
“You want to see it too, don’t you?” Lucia asked.  
“I do indeed,” Ignis replied.

Lio walked into the fire station to see his boyfriend pulling his pants down over his hip in front of a circle of his coworkers. The boxes of pizza Lio was carrying dropped to the ground with a soft clatter.  
“Awww,” Aina said, reaching out with a pointed finger. “It’s so cute!”  
“I know, right?” Galo replied.  
“What are you doing?” Lio asked.  
“We’re looking at Galo’s hip,” Lucia replied, as if this were all perfectly reasonable.  
“You’re exposing yourself in full view of the street,” Lio said, tensely.  
They were, in fact, all standing in the garage, with the doors up, because the light was better that way. A teenage girl was standing on the street outside, popping gum and watching them curiously. Galo pulled his pants up.  
“Y’all’re boring,” the girl said, before thankfully turning away and walking off.  
Lio held a hand to his chest, where his heart was busily hammering against his sternum. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.  
“Okay,” he said. “Explain.”  
“Galo’s showing us his tattoo,” Aina said.  
“We were going to get our Burning Rescue tats today, but Remi fainted after we mentioned dick tattoos and they made us leave,” Lucia added.  
Remi was laid out flat on the garage bench, a cold compress on his forehead. He held up his hand and extended his middle finger.  
“You have a tattoo?” Lio asked.  
Varys and Lucia turned to look at Lio with identical, evil grins on their faces. Aina had the gall to look a little amused herself, but at least Ignis had the decency to hide any potential amusement.  
“Oooh, haven’t sealed the deal yet,” Varys said.  
“What do you mean?” Galo asked.  
“Well, uh, Lio hasn’t seen your tattoo,” Lucia clarified.  
“So?” Galo asked.  
There was a moment of silence. Lucia and Varys looked awkwardly at the floor. Aina scuffed her shoes against the concrete.  
“That’s what I thought,” Galo said, firmly.

Later, after the pizza had been rescued from the floor and the mild awkwardness had been ameliorated by beer and carbohydrates, Lio and Galo managed to find a moment to themselves. The fading light left splashes of pink and orange on the wall, but the dangling ceiling light left them enough to see by. It would have been very romantic had they not been hiding in the storage room.  
“So,” Lio said, his fingers playing with Galo’s belt. “Can I see it.”  
“Yeah, alright,” Galo replied.  
He held his pants up around the zipper, and with his free hand pulled the edge of the belt down over his left hip. In the crease between his hip and thigh, was a tiny little heart, shaded to look like a flame. Lio cupped his hand over Galo’s hip and rubbed a thumb over it. Galo shivered.  
“Ticklish…” Galo said.  
“That’s really cute,” Lio replied.  
“Thanks,” Galo said, with a little giggle.  
“When’d you get it?”  
Galo’s cheeks darkened a little. He shrugged his shoulders. Lio kept his hand exactly where it was.  
“I dunno, I turned eighteen and wanted to do something stupid,” Galo said.  
“Why a heart?”  
Galo smiled widely, in that way that made Lio fall in love with him a little more every time.  
“Well you know me, I’ve always had that burning soul.”  
Lio let out a small huff of laughter. He shifted his hand up so it was in less dangerous territory, happily rested in the crook of Galo’s hip. Galo looped his arms over Lio’s shoulders.  
“That’s very true,” Lio replied, before tilting his head up for a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> These are my emotional support shitposts.


End file.
